Road Rage

So I’m driving down the road, right? And you know, driving gets boring sometimes. So there are two ways I bide my time, especially on this particular Saturday drive to Toledo. I either A) stare down each and every driver I pass in hopes to make his or her trip more memorable, or B) I check out the dozens of billboards strategically littered along the highway. In this instant, I was checking out the scenery on the Anthony Wayne Trail, and my attention was grabbed and actually held, by one roadside advertisement in particular. Usually billboards get to the point and express their message quickly so the driver can multitask. (Death by “billboard reading” would not be the best marketing strategy.) Well in this case, I think the Ohio Department of Health was trying to kill me and kudos to you, ODH! I was so entranced by the billboard that I almost drove off the road. To the right of the highway, I saw the 20 foot image of a baby’s face, next to the words “BREAST MILK SATISFIES,” on a plain white background. In the corner of the youth’s rather satisfied looking face, on the edges of his (we will go with boy) mouth was milk residue dripping down his chin. I wish you could all have seen my face at that moment. It was a mix of confusion and disgust. But mostly disgust. I mean, come on, that’s just gross. I see what the Ohio Department of Health’s statewide initiative is trying to persuade. Breast milk IS one of the best choices for a baby. But I feel that they could think of a less “controversial” way of expressing it. Fact- It got my attention. Fact- the idea of breast feeding now makes me a little uneasy. A happy, smiling baby would have done the trick, but the half droll, half break milk covered chin of a small child with a look on his face like he is the most content child in the word makes me think inappropriate thoughts. Come on now, don’t lie. You all thought the same thing when you saw this picture too. Don’t make me spell it out. And don’t EVEN get me started about the words “BREAST MILK SATISFIES.” Not only does the image evoke more rhetoric than even Lauren can appreciate, the words just make bad, worse. The simple phrase is written in such an intense way, bold font with an exaggeration on the word “SATISFIES,” that if one were to desire that the billboard be read aloud, it would only be appropriate for a huge, burly man with a rather deep voice and intense demeanor read the phrase and immediately follow it with the word “BAM!” or a body slam. And as a woman, and I’m pretty sure most woman will agree, relating a peaceful and intimate moment like breastfeeding to an intense professional wrestling match just plain and simple, like the ad, isn’t right. True, I have never breast fed before, but if it is as intense as this ad makes it sound, then count me out.

To put the icing on the cake, the bottom right hand corner of the ad has a plea from the child, asking the on lookers to “Help Me Grow.” First of all, this phrase is so small that it is not visible from the view of a car moving 50 mph, but more importantly, if the Ohio Department of Health was trying to use pathos, grabbing our attention with emotion, then they probably shouldn’t have emotionally punched me in the face first. I now feel like I’m the protagonist in a Sour Patch Kid’s commercial. Sour then sweet. Sorry ODH, I see nothing sweet about this ad.