Hey Frosh...Sup?

Dearest Future English 110 Student:
1) Welcome to college kid…I’ll keep it simple: Sunday at 12 pm through Friday at 3 pm…keep your pants on, your shot glasses dry, your ass in class, and your minds open. Do all that and I think you will make it out alive.
2) Don’t watch the series finale of Lost on a school night, scratch that, don’t even go back and re-watch, or watch for the first time, the Lost series. In the end, you will end up like me right now, so distraught and angry at the world, that your first instinct will either be to punch a baby in the face, cry uncontrollably, or blog away your emotions. I obviously chose the latter. I mean really, who ends a series like that?!?! People who feel “Schadenfreude” or “pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others,” that’s who. This leads me to my #3….which actually pertains to English 110.
3) You may think your English teachers and the writers of Lost have a lot in common. Wrong. English teachers are the last teachers who feel Shadenfruede when they are making you write 5-7 page essays, blog, and revise your papers. Unlike the writers of Lost, they don’t try to confuse the hell out of you, reveal hints and clues to answers along the way, and in the end, don’t actually answer anything. No, no. you’ve got them all wrong…and so did I. When I came into English 110, I was scared shitless of English teachers, English in general. Here was my theory: (and, no, it doesn’t involve purgatory, polar bears or the origin of the smoke monster) I never really got pissed at math or science teachers who took points off of my work. I mean, if the answer is 1 and I put 50.4532, I can’t complain. It’s not their opinion whether or not I should receive points or not; it was an unbiased class. On the other hand, I thought all my English teachers where out to get me. I would literally hand in an essay and get it back with so many red marks that I assumed that the teacher’s pen must have accidentally exploded on my paper. Let’s just say, my theory about English 110 was about as far off as my theory that the television show I had given 6 years of my life to was going to end up as one big dream. (Which, spoiler alert, it didn’t.) On the contrary in fact. Over this last quarter, I have learned that as long as you put the effort forth, go to class, and engage in the activities or lecture for a mere 4 hrs a week, then you will be just fine. And to top it off, if you have Lauren Obemark as a teacher, so get on your knees this instant and thank the dear Lord for this gift. Seriously, do it now. The only thing she asks of you is to put down the iPhone, Blackberry, or whatever else you kids use to “sext” each other with, and be a part of her class. Trust me…you won’t regret it. You will learn how to successfully talk/persuade others about topics that are of interest to you. Finally, you will be able to analyze any sort of text, from Peta commercials to the oval in the spring time and find meaning behind almost anything. You can engage in intelligent, researched conversations about topics that interest you and write your thoughts and feelings about relevant issues through blogging and commonplace. I know, what you have ALWAYS dreamed of, right? Well, from an engineering major who thought writing was the bane of her existence, take down the wall, open your mind, and embrace this class…you will have an excellent experience.

Good luck brotha.